{Closeted} is a short that I created one year ago for a class at university. Unscripted, I did my best to shape a conversation between two Ryan’s, alluding to the truth without coming out directly and saying it.
At the time, I was in immense pain. I was persistent in numbing myself, abusing drugs and alcohol. These harmful behaviors eventually became habits, but at a certain point they lost their value. I consistently found myself high and lost within my own head – an observer, unable to access any of the thoughts racing through my mind.
Then one afternoon in October, I came crashing down from a high, and I wept and I wept. Eventually, I asked myself: “why do I keep doing this? why do I hate myself?”. I was trying so hard to be somebody, anybody but myself, preventing real exploration and growth.
And the truth came out in a poem I wrote this April:
“for the longest time
i made sure not to care
saying everythings fine
but to be honest ive been scared
lost in the world
it wasnt fair
to suppress myself
ignore my health
and spend my wealth
because nothing truly mattered
i had never been sadder
because i lost touch with me
trying to hide
rather than live free
to be honest i dont know me
but we’re getting acquainted
and as my self relationship grows
i grow elated
im proud of who ive created
hiding myself was degrading
but self love is truly understated”
It is no longer about how other people see me, but how I see myself. Making this video was just the beginning of my self-exploration.
As an artist, this expansion of mind allowed me to play without concern, to simply play with ideas and stories, light and color, fashion and design.
I am grateful for the pain that I went through and put myself through. I wouldn’t be myself without it. And I am proud to say that I am sober from hard drugs and it wasn’t immediate. This is a continual journey of learning how to love myself and not stand in my own way. And in that, I am more capable of giving and receiving love from other light-beams.
The beautiful thing about light as we perceive it, is it is a mix of wavelengths representing all colors.
I love who I am, who I love,
and I love PERIOD.